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Britain’s Got Talent? Are You Sure? 03/06/2010

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You can almost see the dollar signs

The live semi-finals of Cowell’s-Cash-Cow Britain’s Got Talent have started. Have you been watching? Maybe I should refrain that question; are you clinically insane? If the answer is yes then you’re just like me; a dead-eyed moron who considers this entertainment. A moron who considers a man chopping wood entertainment. A moron who considers a man dressing up as Madonna entertainment (although there’s not much difference there ha ha ha…). We’ve now seen three bunch of hopeless hopefuls parade onto the stage and show us what they got and what they got is a bit underwhelming. Let’s take a looksee at our 6 already confirmed finalists.

Spellbound – Otherwise known as “the group that makes me want to cry about my own body”, but that’s a bit lengthy so they’re just known as “Spellbound”. Monday night’s winners of the public vote, Spellbound are an acrobatic troop who can stand on each other’s heads and fling 12 year olds around without anyone batting an eyelid.

Tobias Mead – One of those rarely seen dancing acts [/sarcasm]. Nothing we haven’t seen before, in fact, he was beaten to the punch by a 14 year old boy two years ago. Shame on you Tobias. He better pull something out of the bag for Saturday’s finals, otherwise he can kiss that title bye bye.

Tina and Chandi – Is it a sign of the apocalypse when a dog act sails through to the finals? Yes, doggie dancing act Tina (the owner) and Chandi (the infinitely smart dog) got through on the public vote, and it’s no wonder. The dog held an umbrella! Even some humans struggle to do that!

Connected – Who doesn’t love a fivesome of young teens? Oh right, almost everyone. These guys must have received a helluva lot of votes from the prepubescent teenage girl audience. Connected, pretty much always out of tune, got through to the finals with the judge’s vote. You can almost see the dollar signs in Cowell’s eyes.

Paul Burling – He pretty much made the real Harry Hill defunct. In fact, Paul is more like Harry than Harry is! I’m glad he strayed away from cartoon characters and moved on to real people (well, debatable when it comes to Phil Mitchell). He brought the house down and bagged his place in the finals. At least we have an ACTUAL variety act in this so called “variety” show.

Christopher Stone – Singer extraordinaire. Sang a stunning version of “The Impossible Dream”. I can’t hate this guy, he’s just too nice. I hate him for that…

So there we have our line up with just four more spaces left. Making a bet that at least one will be a singing act and another will be a dancing act. Ah, BGT is truly a variety show in the loosest sense…

Update 03/06/2010

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Well, I’ve not written anything for a while. Why? I was busy. Oh, who am I kidding, I was sitting in bed doing bugger all.

It’s  nice to see some people are visiting my site, taking in the sights and taking pictures of the website equivalent of a bomb site. I’m not going to do the begging thing, asking people to read my stuff while crying and grabbing their clothes in desperation, but please, somebody, read my things.

Pretty please?

Still Very, Very Lost 20/05/2010

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How Will It All End?

Lost. You can’t go anywhere without someone talking about it. In the good ol’ days, back when it started, people had nothing but praise for JJ Abram’s show about a group of castaways. But what made it so special is now its undoing. The show was built on mystery, and it was this mystery that kept people hooked. Now, as the finale approaches, the mystery has gotten too much for some people. But with a two and a half hour finale, surely these questions will be answered; the mystery solved. Or maybe not.

WARNING : This will most likely contain spoilers. If you haven’t seen the last few episodes of Lost and you still plan on watching them, then go away. Don’t complain if you read something you don’t want to. That’s it, keep walking, buddy.

JJ Abrams left the show quite a while ago, and it is now in the hands of Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse. But are they capable hands? Most people would say “no, even Michael J. Fox has more capable hands” (it’s in quotation marks, so it’s safe to make that joke). The past few episodes have brought out the worst in most fans, who foam at the mouth for proper answers. But Lindeloff and Cuse themselves have told us that we’re not going to get all the answers; something they presumably said from a bunker 50 feet underground. But what answers do we want? What answers won’t we get? Will people ever be happy. I can answer that last one now; no. The bastards will never be happy.

The Sideways Universe – Something that we will definitely get an answer to. The last episode “What They Died For” set it up perfectly for next episode. Everyone is attending the same concert in the Sideways Universe, thanks to Desmond, but why? What will happen? This will definitely be answered. If not, then Lindeloff and Cuse ARE as stupid as people make them out to be.

The Smoke Monster – We already know what Smokey is, or at least, we can make a pretty good guess; he seems to be the manifestation of the evilness in Jacob’s brother. So basically, he’s al bad. But what we may get the answer to is “what is to become of him?” This can go one of three ways; 1) He is killed and Smokey is no more, 2) He stays alive, trapped on the Island by the new “Jacob” (which is Jack at the moment, but probably not for long) and 3) He escapes and we all cease to exist.

Desmond Hume – We learnt last episode that Desmond is a “failsafe”. What that means exactly is anyone’s guess. Failsafe to destroy the Island maybe? One way or another, we’ll learn exactly what “failsafe” means next episode.

David’s Mother – David, Jack’s chipper little child, is participating in the previously mentioned concert, and his mother will be there to watch. But who is his mother? Popular theories claim that Juliet is going to be David’s mum, but there’s only one way to find out…

Smokey’s Name – When I say Smokey, I mean Jacob’s Brother, Man in Black, Man in Locke, whatever you want to call him, he still doesn’t have a name, and this is an answer fans really want. When I say “fans” I mean idiots who can’t get over the fact that he does not, and never will, have a name. He doesn’t need one. Why is it so important he has a name? Why is this one of the big questions? Why, just why?

The Polar Bears – This is another question that really fucking irritates me. Not only has this been explained (Dharma brought them to the island to perform experiments on them) but people still think there’s more to it. And this is the question asked by every single non-fan of Lost. The question people use to justify their abandonment of Lost. “I stopped watching Lost when there were polar bears on the island”. Shut the fuck up. That is the stupidest reason to stop watching a show. And people still ask this question today. Just fuck off.

It’s All a Dream – Not a question, but it sort of relates to the previous point. This has been used as another petty excuse for giving up on Lost. “I stopped watching Lost when I thought it was all Hurley’s/Walt’s/Vincent’s dream”. Excuse me? You stopped watching it because you had a theory it was a dream? You based your views on Lost because you thought it was a fucking dream? WHAT!? You can’t dismiss a TV show because you think it’s something it isn’t. I might stop watching Outnumbered because it’s all actually a part of Hugh Dennis’ destroyed psyche after he murdered his entire family.

Answers, Answers, Answers – THE stupidest reason to stop watching Lost, “I stopped watching because the answers didn’t make sense”. This is Lost; it’s hardly rooted in reality. Sure the Well of Light is a stupid idea, but I’m not the one writing the show. So you know what I did when I saw that absurd answer? I sat back and thought “this is Lost after all”. Just because this disproved your stupid little theory does not mean it is a bad show, it just means you’re a fucking idiot. Fine, stop watching Lost with only two episodes to go. It’s only 6 years of your life you’ve wasted. No big loss with you gone.

What started as a humble list of questions has now descended into a rant which probably offended many people. I call that a job well done.

The finale of Lost, creatively entitled “The End”, airs on Sunday 23rd of May in America on ABC. Us Brits will probably have to wait longer; well, those not savvy enough to use the internet.

Fox Dropped From Transformers 3, Teen Boys Cry 20/05/2010

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What Will We Do Without Her "Genuine Talent"?

The fan base of the Transformers franchise has halved after the news that Megan Fox has been dropped from the upcoming movie, Transformers 3. Oh, sorry stereotypical and hypothetical teenage boys, there’s me thinking that Transformers was about alien robots fighting each other. Oops, my bad, apparently I was supposed to spend those 2 hours ogling Fox’s assets.

It’s no surprise she was dropped by director Michael Bay, after she compared him to not one, but two ruthless men of years gone by. She first compared him to Napoleon before moving on to compare him to Hitler. I’m sure she meant it as a compliment, Mr. Bay, this IS Megan Fox after all. And if that wasn’t enough, in the same interview she criticised his social skills, saying that he had none and was “hopelessly awkward”. And we’re supposed to be surprised that she was dropped?

Of course, Fox’s publicist claims this was all Fox’s idea and she was all hunky dory about it. That’s bullshit for “this came as a surprise for Megan and she is very mad at it all”. Transformers was all Fox had; sure, she’s done things here and there, but she shot herself in the foot. Please, take another shot, Megan. For human kind.

Birth By Sleep; Death by Waiting 18/05/2010

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What took you guys so long? Did you walk or something!?

Remember that series of games under the moniker “Kingdom Hearts”? The one where Square (Enix) and Disney came together and basically made a Disney version of Final Fantasy? A game that led to many geekgasms? You remember?

Good.

Do you remember when they announced Birth By Sleep? Then do you remember aging another billion years or so? Good, it means I’m not the only sad loser who checked routinely to see whether Squenix had actually settled on a release date. For months, even after the Japanese release, fans waited for a release date. We eventually got a vague, dart-thrown-at-a-calender release window; “Summer 2010″. Well now they dropped an actual release date rather nonchalantly and it’s now slated for a September 7th release in the US (September 10th for us Europeans and those loveable scamps down under). Hey Squenix, did you actually go to school? You do realise September is during Autumn/Fall and not Summer.

Okay. Thanks. Just checking I wasn’t crazy. I can’t even hate them for this; I’ll be there on release day (or week or month) salivating over my new copy of the game. I’m basically their bitch.

Okay, this looks like it's worth the wait. Crap.

Doctor Whoview – Amy’s Choice 17/05/2010

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5 Years Later. But Not Really...

You geddit? Whoview? A delightful mix of Who and Review! Oh, who cares.

Yes, Doctor who is in full swing as it approaches the halfway point of series 5. And how was the recent episode of Doctor Who. How about ‘underwhelming’? Or ‘a complete waste of time’? I think they’re both appropriate. But I can’t just leave it at that; how about we dive into the episode and see just where it went wrong.

The episode, named Amy’s Choice, revolves around, you guessed it, Amy. Well, I hope you guessed it, because if it wasn’t immediately obvious to you that this revolved around miss Pond, then please go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done; if you can actually think. Right, on with the story; the show opens with our good ol’ Doctor visiting a pregnant Amy and loveable ponytailed dunce Rory five years from when we last left them. All seems hunky dory in a boring countryside sort of way, until our three heroes fall asleep and wake up in the TARDIS. It turns out the villain, The Dream Lord, has taken control of the TARDIS and is controlling the sleeping patterns of all those residing in the big blue box. It turns out only one of the worlds is a dream; but which is it? Is it the world in the TARDIS, or the world five years later. It’s up to the Doc to work it out. And here’s the big kicker; if you die in the dream, you’ll wake up in reality, but if you die in reality, you die. Period. And with threats in both worlds, the group have to fight to survive.

Bollocks.

I was really looking forward to this episode. From the previews, it looked like it was going to be more psychological and would focus less on those pesky aliens that keep cropping up. But what do we get; a show that focused on those pesky aliens and blah, blah, blah. In all fairness, the villain lived up to expectations. Toby Jones played the Dream Lord brilliantly, and throughout the episode he was in control. He brought the psychological mindfuck to the show.

Although, it would have been psychological if it wasn’t obvious from the start which world was fake. Of course the writers aren’t going to throw a curveball and make it so the five years later universe is actually the real timeline. That would require balls. So all the way through, we knew that the TARDIS was the actually reality. Or so we thought. Because in the end it turned out that neither of them were real. Neither… NEITHER!? Okay, thanks guys, I just basically wasted 45 minutes of my life watching a show that concluded with “it was magic space pollen all along”. They were never in trouble, they were just sleeping; dreaming about a dream. And the Dream Lord? He was just a manifestation of the Doctor’s bad thoughts and feelings. And that is where the psychology flies out of the window along with the magic space pollen. And my sanity.

And an Apathetic Hello to you too! 17/05/2010

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Well, here we go. I guess I should start with a ‘hello’ and ‘how do you do?’

Hello! And how do y- stuff it. Bollocks to social etiquette. Welcome to ‘Next Post Please’, a site about the world of television, movies and video games. Go ahead and make assumptions about me; they’re probably spot on. I have been a fan of TV, movies and video games for many years, and they’ve treated me well. Maybe I should do the same… But that would be boring. Who wants to read a post where I kiss the arse of Simon Cowell and praise the wonderful EA for delivering us with top quality video games annually. The answer; hopefully no one.

So if you’re looking for an unbiased view that takes both sides of the argument into account, you’re in the wrong place. Just go now. But if you’re a cold, heartless bastard like me then pull up a chair and complain along with me!

Right, did I alienate anyone? Is anyone still reading this. Maybe I should redo the post and be a bit nicer… Stuff it. Publish.

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